News flash: I’m fat and I know it, so stop telling me

A few weeks ago, by no means for the first time, I received some unsolicited advice about my weight from a man I hardly know. Out of nowhere, amid a discussion about something else entirely, he posited: “Have you tried papaya juice?”

Before I could ask what the hell he was talking about, he proceeded, proudly, to tell me how he’d lost 12 kilograms (26 pounds) in a month by drinking a glass of papaya juice every day. He even said he’d give me some to try.

I wanted to tell him where to stick his papaya juice, but I didn’t have the energy, so I just nodded and said nothing. Of course, I know that he’s only trying to be helpful, but I really wish he — and the many others like him — just wouldn’t.

When I’m in Thailand, which has been a lot in the past couple of years, I’m also subject to a lot of unsolicited  touching. Men and women feel free to feel my belly and smile. Some of them will say: “How many babies?” I just laugh it off, because, well, there’s no other viable option without picking a fight you can’t win.  

I am well aware that I have a problem with my weight, I know that I’m the fattest I’ve ever been, and I know I should do something about it. But most of all, I know that it’s nobody else’s business.

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I as a chubby kid who became a fat teenager. I lost a huge amount of weight when I was 17, but I started gaining it again in my mid-20s. Since then, it’s been up and down. But mostly up.

Eating and drinking has

become a distraction

A serious attempt to lose weight about 10 years ago — including visits to a dietitian and a personal trainer — got derailed by personal issues. I’m not blaming anybody else for that, it’s just that I tend to eat when I feel stressed and depressed. 

More recently, disenchantment with my job, and with my entire profession, and with my (lack of a) love life, led to another big weight gain. Eating and drinking became a distraction from other concerns.

I decided about five months ago to quit work for a while, move to the beach and see if I could sort it all out. The idea was to eat well, exercise daily, self-educate, lose weight and regain some balance in my life.

It hasn’t worked out that way. At least not yet. I’m still fat, and there’s no sugar-coating that fact.

A lot of people notice that I’m fat; a lot of people — including me — think I should lose weight; and a hell of a lot of people — including complete strangers — seem unusually keen to offer me advice on how I should do that.

To those people, I say: you may think you are helping me, but you are not; you are making things worse, so please stop.

I don’t go up to strangers

and offer them advice

Perhaps you think I’m stupid and I don’t realise how big I am. If so, that’s just insulting. The reality is that you don’t know anything about me or what brought me to where I am.

If, however, my size simply offends you, then I say to you, again: it’s none of your business. I’m doing you no harm, so leave me alone. I don’t go up to strangers and offer them advice on their haircuts, clothes or choice of life partner. I don’t recommend that they see a dentist, a dermatologist or a counsellor.

As much as I’d like to, I don’t offer parenting advice to people with feral children, or scold shop staff who can’t add up without a calculator. 

To be honest, I do offer some unsolicited opinions on Twitter, but that’s an online forum for doing exactly that. Also, I follow the rules of engagement. I don’t initiate personal abuse, and others are welcome to opt out of my stream if they don’t like what I’m saying..

So why do some — nay, many — people think that it is acceptable to, first, presume that I want to lose weight (and many fat people do not want to lose weight), and, second, to give me advice on how to do it?

I’m sure some people are generally concerned about my health. So am I — and, for the most part, it’s pretty good. It’s certainly a lot better than that of many of my slimmer contemporaries, mostly former colleagues, who died before they reached the age I am now.

I struggle to understand

the psychology of it all

So let me spell this out: offering me advice on losing weight will do nothing to help me lose weight. I do know how to do it. I’ve done it many, many times. But it’s not that simple.

After 58 years on this planet, I still struggle to understand the psychology of it all; why I have put on so much weight when it would seem to be against my own interests, healthwise and socially.

I can guarantee you — even if you’ve lost 12 kilograms drinking papaya juice in a month —  that you have no idea what I’m going through. Even if I do diet, I’ll put it all back on again if I don’t come to terms what’s going on in my head.

And if you want to offer me some advice on that too, please don’t. This is a race I have to run at my own pace.